Chef-lish

Chef-lish - "A hacked up/glued together word invented by some idiot looking for a way to describe the language in a professional kitchen with out using that F-word"

...or some shit like that!

There are three things you learn upon entering the professional kitchen and one of the first things is that sentences often get reduced to one or two words and they generally have a shit load of hidden meanings!!

You have to understand in the middle of a 200 cover service with say 60% of your diners having 2 courses and 40% having 3 courses,that's 400 meals that have to go out of the kitchen hot/on time and perfect. So in the heat (literally) of service only 3 things matter Food/Speed/Service. With that in mind my fellow readers let me explain to you "Chef-lish".

In a busy kitchen there is just no time for lengthy conversations and the usual "beat around the bush" pleasantries that most normal people exchange in their day to day work and so Chefs do what they do best and cut through the bullshit and get to the heart of the matter. How you ask?? Easy. Cut out the unnecessary words and only say what needs to be said to get the job done.

For example on a menu you might have :
-Fillet Steak with Garlic mash/Sauteed Asparagus/Slow roasted Shallots and a Red wine and Thyme Sauce
-Pan roasted Groper with Lemon and rosemary Couscous/Green beans and a Citrus vinaigrette
-Slow roasted Chicken Breast stuffed with Sundried Tomatoes and feta/served on toasted ciabatta and with a side salad.

So if you had a table of four come in and order dinner what you'd hear in the kitchen would go like this:

"Order up!!
"2 Fish"
"1 Steak medium rare"
"1 Chicken"

So if we "translate" that you get :
"Attention in the kitchen please"
"2 Pan roasted Groper with Lemon and rosemary Couscous/Green beans and a Citrus vinaigrette"
"1 Fillet Steak with Garlic mash/Sauteed Asparagus/Slow roasted Shallots and a Red wine and Thyme Sauce- Medium rare"
"Slow roasted Chicken Breast stuffed with Sundried Tomatoes and feta/served on toasted ciabatta and with a side salad."

Now don't get me wrong I'm all for fancy/mouth watering menu descriptions but FUCK trying to say all that in the middle of a busy service,I mean hell a table of 15 would read like a friggin novel!!

With that in mind lets look into a couple of other common kitchen saying followed by a "translation" :
"Away on 14"
Usual said by the waitstaff to the kitchen-translated
- "Please cook n plate the mains (or desserts) for table 14 Please Gods of our Kitchen!

"PANS!!"
Chef to kitchenhand
- "Mr Kitchenhand would you be so kind as to refresh my stack of pans with clean ones so that I do not have to come over there and put my foot so far up your ass you'll be sneezing my laces out of your nose for the next week!!."

"Replate Fuck!!"
Head Chef or Maitre'De to grill/line chefs
- "This plate of shit that you have handed me is crap and I politely suggest that you quickly replate it and bring it up to a edible standard you fucking moron!!!!"

And then there's the Bain of all waitstaff,The Service Bell!!

"dingggg"
- "Food is on the pass could you please collect it and run it to the correct table."

"DINggggggg
- "I can see that your busy gossiping right now you slackers but the food is getting cold so could you please hurry up and run it to the table and don't make me ring the fucking bell again!!"

"DIIIINNNNNGGGGGGGGGG"
- "You fucking a-holes get off your fucking asses and get this fucking food to the goddamn table you useless sacks of shit or god help me *I'll throw this fucking bell at you!!!
*(For the record I've seen that happen!!)

And here's a couple of Gordon's favorite sayings translated:
"What the fuck is this shit??"
Translation -"Excuse me fellow wearer of the white chef jacket,I am confused as to what product of cookery you have put before me to serve to our loyal and loving customer, and I do believe it is not up to my standards of culinary excellence so could you please explain what it is and tell me why the FUCK you think I should serve it!!!!!"

"Fuck Me!!
Translation -"What ever I am seeing I am finding it hard to believe and I am beginning to wonder why you bother to even keep living your pathetic life you moron!"

But no other two words in the kitchen carry more weight or responsibility than the words "Yes Chef!"

And this is the Second thing you learn,if you say "Yes Chef!" after you've been told to plates 40meals all at once and dance a merry jig whilst doing so then it better be the BEST DAM JIG you ever danced or you'll be getting the chefs foot firmly up your ass!!

In the kitchen the Head Chef is god! If He/she tells you to cut 1000 onions with a dessert spoon then get fucking chopping. If the Head chef tells you the steak is overcooked,its OVERCOOKED!!! Disagreeing with the Head Chef is pretty much like asking a serial killer to put the loaded shotgun in the cupboard(cos we don't want anyone getting hurt....),another words just fucking stupid.

As you you may already know insults in a kitchen are part n parcel of the job. The kitchen is a hot/sweaty and busy enviroment at the best of times and when you work as closely as chefs do with each other,day in and day out in and sometimes in the most frustrating of circumstances,insults are bound to fly!!

And this is the Third thing to learn -DON'T,for the love of sanity and ego,take it personally. If you do you'll never make it past your first year in a professional kitchen. I've been called so many things and had so many insults hurled at me in my time as a chef that when someone calls me a "Fuckwit" or "Shithead" I thank them for the compliment!! What you have to remember is when someone in the kitchen insults you it's because they know you can do better,so what their really saying is "Chef you can do better than this,you and I both know it SO DO IT!!!!

Its funny really,I'm trying to remember some of the insults I've heard but the only one that comes to mind is what my first Sous Chef at the Hotel where I worked said to one of the Chef de Parties one night,and I have to admit I've used it a few times myself. The insult??

"My Grandma could cook faster than you.....and she's dead!!

And no.....I don't know why.....I just don't!

And that Ladies and Gentlemen is my rough description of "Chef-lish". I hope you learnt something from it and next post we'll discuss Food Porn and progress on my goals now if I may say so "Fuck off!!"