Refresher course.....Part Un

And no I'm not talking about the sorbet course, I am of course talking about heading back into the kitchen and "refreshing" my skills.

Now I have to admit I have been slack lately. With work at the joinery busy,sending out emails to find work exp. and doing a lot of researching and reading into the french classics and "edge" dining and foods I have neglected my blog. And perhaps due to a lack of inspiration or a lack of funds I haven't been spending much time behind the camera so I've decided to switch this topic to a update.

Yes shock horror of horror,an update...(cue dramatic music)!!

So for the weekend that has just passed I had the pleasure of spending two shifts in a local multiply award winning restaurant.

It was interesting really. There has only been two times in my chef career that I had felt nervous. One-My first shift at the hotel and Two-Meeting Gordon Ramsey. And now there was a third. I'd forgotten what it felt like to be nervous but I took it as a good sign as I was told once that "If you feel nervous you want to do well". Then came the next step-my whites. Two washes and a iron later they actually looked good again. The only problem.....my Victorinox chef knife. After 2years of neglect the blade was,to say the least,dull. So out with my stone and approx 1hr later and the edge was...better...somewhat.

So there I was,whites clean,kit packed and off to spend my weekend in the kitchen,disturbingly that didn't actually bother me...good thing I hope. It was a good feeling putting my whites on again,I felt I was taking steps forward,I was actually achieving something. Walking into the kitchen again was a great feeling,the smells/the sounds/the heat/the hustle n bustle,it all felt comforting.

In the kitchen the service is only 50% of the job. The other 50% is prep. Prep/prep/prep/prep!!! So first job back in the kitchen...prep! They started me off easy-fine chop some parsley. Ok bust out the Victorinox and hit it. Chop/chop/chop...shit. Now I love my knife and I've had it for over 8years but 2years of neglect had taken it's toll and my sharpening stone just didn't have enough to bring it back(Time for professional help....not me the KNIFE!!). Embarrassing to say the least. So after borrowing a knife I carried on my job of chopping parsley. Now as I've mentioned several times how long I've been out the kitchen I won't go on about it again but I got a solid reminder in the way of four...yes 1/2/3/4 blisters on one finger. Like any job that you do with your hands you build up calluses where your tools rest on your hands,be they hand tools/knifes/pens etc. Unfortunately my kitchen calluses had disappeared so the simple act of chopping parsley at speed did not agree with my index finger. A subtle but effective reminder of my time away!

Prep time in a kitchen is generally a relaxed time,as long as your prep is getting done. Whilst prepping for service the kitchen converses,catches up,talks shit and these times are probably the most amusing,I'd forgotten how much I missed kitchen conversations. From Bob Marley to energy drink abuse to sick but amusing jokes, conversations in the kitchen really are fun.

Prep times often involves a lot of simple tasks-peeling spuds/chopping parsley/portioning food/washes dishes etc and I often find these simple tasks to be quite relaxing, a good thing especially that night as the restaurant was fully booked and with the great weather outside it was adding up to be a busy night. Taking pause from my prep I looked around the kitchen and just observed everything I could. The Head chef portioning meat,Junior chefs checking sauces,waitstaff polishing cutlery and setting tables.....ahhh the ebb n flow of a restaurant. You can see everyone preparing for the next service,the final checks of prep levels,the layout of boards/utensils/prep all in easy reach for speed and ease of movement,conversations between Waitstaff and Chefs about bookings/specials/special requests. If you've never worked in hospitality before you wouldn't notice it but if you have you know what I'm talking about. This is the time where the experienced ones know what to do and do the best to set themselves up for whatever situation may come their way,full credit to all of the team of Chefs as they really did follow the motto-"Preparation Prevents Piss Poor Performance".

As service time approached the rise in tension in the kitchen was palatable,Chefs double checked their prep,service spoons were grabbed,boards wiped down and everybody had their eye on that pass.....waiting knowing what was coming. My job for service was easy,float and help out where ever possible which put me in a good position to watch and observe the team at work. And then the orders started to come in,slowly at first 2-3 tables and service began. Everything flowed smoothly and then there was a dip as the orders slowed....but listening carefully I heard the volume of the restaurant start to get a little louder. I'm pretty sure the rest of the kitchen noticed it too as they all glanced at the pass and then their prep. As a Chef you know what is going to happen when the orders stop and the restaurant gets louder...its about to get real busy!! Then the orders came thick n fast,one after the other followed by another and another. Watching this from my position reminded me why I love the kitchen and cooking. Seeing the team in action and watching the kitchen dance and the food flow is a great thing. The rush lasted approx 2hrs and even I had to hustle to get some desserts done...but then I encountered a temperamental blowtorch. The blowtorch is used to caramelize the top of the brulees,but this torch....I lit it and picked it up and....it went out. "Ok" I thought,relight it pick it up...it went out. "Ok stupid thing" relight pick it up....it stayed lit. Start caramelizing the brulee tilt the blowtorch..it went out. "Fucccckkkkkkkkkk" Relight...pick up...caramelize....tilt....went out "YOU USELESS PIECE OF SHIT!! GODDAMN IT FUCKING WORK!!!!" Relight...pickup...caramelize..don't tilt...burn finger. Brulee done!! "Temperamental fucking thing...forgot there's always a trick to everything".

I was in the kitchen for a dinner and a lunch service,did my best to help out where possible and observed what I could. What did I see? Everything I could from the prep to the food,plating,service and team work. And this is were the difference between a good restaurant and a award winning restaurant is. Everyone from the Head Chef/Sous Chef/Junior Chefs,The Waitstaff knew their jobs and worked together to get them done, any problems handled fast and effectively. A great example of a great restaurant and a solid example of why I want to be back in the kitchen.

The only downside to my weekend in the kitchen? A feeling of frustration stemming from feeling like a interloper and not really knowing my place in the kitchen. A feeling I suspect I may experience a few more times until I find my place and kitchen again.

Chef-lish

Chef-lish - "A hacked up/glued together word invented by some idiot looking for a way to describe the language in a professional kitchen with out using that F-word"

...or some shit like that!

There are three things you learn upon entering the professional kitchen and one of the first things is that sentences often get reduced to one or two words and they generally have a shit load of hidden meanings!!

You have to understand in the middle of a 200 cover service with say 60% of your diners having 2 courses and 40% having 3 courses,that's 400 meals that have to go out of the kitchen hot/on time and perfect. So in the heat (literally) of service only 3 things matter Food/Speed/Service. With that in mind my fellow readers let me explain to you "Chef-lish".

In a busy kitchen there is just no time for lengthy conversations and the usual "beat around the bush" pleasantries that most normal people exchange in their day to day work and so Chefs do what they do best and cut through the bullshit and get to the heart of the matter. How you ask?? Easy. Cut out the unnecessary words and only say what needs to be said to get the job done.

For example on a menu you might have :
-Fillet Steak with Garlic mash/Sauteed Asparagus/Slow roasted Shallots and a Red wine and Thyme Sauce
-Pan roasted Groper with Lemon and rosemary Couscous/Green beans and a Citrus vinaigrette
-Slow roasted Chicken Breast stuffed with Sundried Tomatoes and feta/served on toasted ciabatta and with a side salad.

So if you had a table of four come in and order dinner what you'd hear in the kitchen would go like this:

"Order up!!
"2 Fish"
"1 Steak medium rare"
"1 Chicken"

So if we "translate" that you get :
"Attention in the kitchen please"
"2 Pan roasted Groper with Lemon and rosemary Couscous/Green beans and a Citrus vinaigrette"
"1 Fillet Steak with Garlic mash/Sauteed Asparagus/Slow roasted Shallots and a Red wine and Thyme Sauce- Medium rare"
"Slow roasted Chicken Breast stuffed with Sundried Tomatoes and feta/served on toasted ciabatta and with a side salad."

Now don't get me wrong I'm all for fancy/mouth watering menu descriptions but FUCK trying to say all that in the middle of a busy service,I mean hell a table of 15 would read like a friggin novel!!

With that in mind lets look into a couple of other common kitchen saying followed by a "translation" :
"Away on 14"
Usual said by the waitstaff to the kitchen-translated
- "Please cook n plate the mains (or desserts) for table 14 Please Gods of our Kitchen!

"PANS!!"
Chef to kitchenhand
- "Mr Kitchenhand would you be so kind as to refresh my stack of pans with clean ones so that I do not have to come over there and put my foot so far up your ass you'll be sneezing my laces out of your nose for the next week!!."

"Replate Fuck!!"
Head Chef or Maitre'De to grill/line chefs
- "This plate of shit that you have handed me is crap and I politely suggest that you quickly replate it and bring it up to a edible standard you fucking moron!!!!"

And then there's the Bain of all waitstaff,The Service Bell!!

"dingggg"
- "Food is on the pass could you please collect it and run it to the correct table."

"DINggggggg
- "I can see that your busy gossiping right now you slackers but the food is getting cold so could you please hurry up and run it to the table and don't make me ring the fucking bell again!!"

"DIIIINNNNNGGGGGGGGGG"
- "You fucking a-holes get off your fucking asses and get this fucking food to the goddamn table you useless sacks of shit or god help me *I'll throw this fucking bell at you!!!
*(For the record I've seen that happen!!)

And here's a couple of Gordon's favorite sayings translated:
"What the fuck is this shit??"
Translation -"Excuse me fellow wearer of the white chef jacket,I am confused as to what product of cookery you have put before me to serve to our loyal and loving customer, and I do believe it is not up to my standards of culinary excellence so could you please explain what it is and tell me why the FUCK you think I should serve it!!!!!"

"Fuck Me!!
Translation -"What ever I am seeing I am finding it hard to believe and I am beginning to wonder why you bother to even keep living your pathetic life you moron!"

But no other two words in the kitchen carry more weight or responsibility than the words "Yes Chef!"

And this is the Second thing you learn,if you say "Yes Chef!" after you've been told to plates 40meals all at once and dance a merry jig whilst doing so then it better be the BEST DAM JIG you ever danced or you'll be getting the chefs foot firmly up your ass!!

In the kitchen the Head Chef is god! If He/she tells you to cut 1000 onions with a dessert spoon then get fucking chopping. If the Head chef tells you the steak is overcooked,its OVERCOOKED!!! Disagreeing with the Head Chef is pretty much like asking a serial killer to put the loaded shotgun in the cupboard(cos we don't want anyone getting hurt....),another words just fucking stupid.

As you you may already know insults in a kitchen are part n parcel of the job. The kitchen is a hot/sweaty and busy enviroment at the best of times and when you work as closely as chefs do with each other,day in and day out in and sometimes in the most frustrating of circumstances,insults are bound to fly!!

And this is the Third thing to learn -DON'T,for the love of sanity and ego,take it personally. If you do you'll never make it past your first year in a professional kitchen. I've been called so many things and had so many insults hurled at me in my time as a chef that when someone calls me a "Fuckwit" or "Shithead" I thank them for the compliment!! What you have to remember is when someone in the kitchen insults you it's because they know you can do better,so what their really saying is "Chef you can do better than this,you and I both know it SO DO IT!!!!

Its funny really,I'm trying to remember some of the insults I've heard but the only one that comes to mind is what my first Sous Chef at the Hotel where I worked said to one of the Chef de Parties one night,and I have to admit I've used it a few times myself. The insult??

"My Grandma could cook faster than you.....and she's dead!!

And no.....I don't know why.....I just don't!

And that Ladies and Gentlemen is my rough description of "Chef-lish". I hope you learnt something from it and next post we'll discuss Food Porn and progress on my goals now if I may say so "Fuck off!!"